About Conservative Intellect
We report the stories the mainstream media is too cowardly, too biased, or too literate to cover.
Conservative Intellect was founded on a simple belief: that the modern discourse deserves a news source with the courage to say the things everyone is already thinking, provided those things are completely absurd. Our team of highly trained journalists (one guy, a laptop, and a deep well of spite) works around the clock to bring you the outrage you crave, fact-checked against our rigorous standard of “feels true.”
We cover politics, culture, education, meteorology, shadows, windmills, vibes, and sinkholes — the issues that truly matter to the modern patriot. Our sources are impeccable. Our headlines are tremendous. Our commitment to intellectual rigor is spelled correctly, which is more than most outlets can say.
Let’s Be Clear: This Is Satire
Conservative Intellect is a parody publication. Nothing on this site is real news. Every article is a work of fiction — invented characters, invented quotes, invented events — written to lampoon over-the-top political tropes and the absurdity of outrage culture itself.
We punch at ridiculous ideas, not at real people. If a story here resembles something that actually happened, that says more about reality than it does about us. Please do not cite our articles in arguments, school papers, or congressional hearings. Several of you have tried. Stop it.
Our Correction Policy
We have never issued a correction, because we have never been wrong. This is easy to achieve when nothing you publish is real. Should we ever publish something accidentally true, we will retract it immediately and issue a formal apology to comedy.
Contact
Tips, complaints, and marriage proposals may be shouted into the nearest sinkhole. Response time is estimated at 6–8 never.
Masthead
Chip Hollister — Senior Correspondent, Shadows & Sinkholes
Biff Carrington — Heroism Correspondent
Tad Pemberton — Education Correspondent (homeschooled, obviously)
The Intern — Name withheld for their protection